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Ive been rattling my brain around lately, searching, reflecting on myself. I regret what ive allowed myself and my life to become. I feel so rittled with guilt. Amongst various other emotions, ive faught so hard to exclude posting on a website where I know little to no one reads my stuff. You know what, Ive found that posting here somehow in some pathetic way makes me feel like im not alone. Which is essentially what ill be for one or two or god knows how long. But that last statement staring back at me claims my codependency as truth.
Hello my name is Morgan, and I struggle with an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, and most importantly codependency. I am the majority of the problems in my relationship, and have been blind to the hurt I have caused. Though I thought I was appreciative, I now see I took the most important person in my life for granted. All ive done is deny that I was wrong though I thought I was owning up. Ive caused pain I wish I could reverse, apologize, and make up for. With my whole being I am truly sorry, and love my partner.
With that I know that an apology isnt enough, and I can never truly make up for the pain ive caused. Im working on a plan to change my behavior, to reconnect with the happy Morgan he met and fell in love with. I litterally have four pages of bullet points of things I see or didn’t understand I was or had been doing. One of the biggest things im guilty for was unintentionally emotionally manipulating. Though I truly believe time away from me and being individuals is okay, my behavior proved that false. The thing that needs to change for us is my behavior, control and work through my codependency, and learn to communicate. I recognize that I dont give as much in our relationship as I thought I truly did. I do things over and over again though i aknowledge i do them and need to change. Nothing made me think more than the words you choked out while concealing tears that you can never have more than okay. I can sit here and say that it wasnt my intention, I didnt mean to, and my reasons but that isnt what is good for us. That isnt what I want to do anymore. Ive had this level of codependency, emotional manipulation, and entitlement that is destroying our relationship. I am my own individual, but he is right I wasn’t. I feel ive pushed him away to the point he rather be with his friends. Ive felt unfair feelings of neglect, and the worse part is I never told him. I didnt truly realize how much work he puts into everything. He is exhausted. All I do is get jealous and react, because ive felt an emotional withdrawl from him. He pushes off so many important opportunities and projects off for me, but all ive done with out realizing is demand more. Im not helping him grow by continuing to do that. That is why ive got to live my life too, and trust that he will still be in mine even if we cant talk or hang out. Ive realized recently that in the future there will be more time for us. Hard work, then reward. Not saying that i look at it as, ’ oh good he has freetime thats mine.’ For that I wish I had realized this earlier for the sake of our relationship.
The thing is that I havent truly appreciated him in the way I do in my mind. Like how the smell of cologne when nuzzled in to his chest is the best place to be. How when he walks into the room my first though is, ’ look at that man. Im so proud of what hes doing.’ Or , ’ im so lucky to call him mine.’ . He still makes my heart flutter when he looks into my eyes or kisses me. He truly makes me happy, but I haven’t allowed him to. In return ive made him miserable. He is someone worth never losing, and thats what I plan to do- not lose him. He is the most precious thing to me, and my behavior will change. I will accept that we are two individuals, and that we can have two different lives and still love each other. I will respect that im not the only thing in his life. I will accept that if he is leaving to go home its not because hes upset its because he has responsibilities. I will take care of my needs too. As for my codependency, it will be a long road but the first step is acknowledging I have a problem. I realized my priority was to be with him, not to make him happy. I was looking at this all in such a negative way. Not just my relationship but my life, and I hope its not too late to rebuild that bond, the trust, and make us both happy.
I want to sit with someone at 3 am and talk. Like really talk. I want you to tell me what keeps you up at night, that dream you keep having, what certain songs make you feel like, what you think happens after death. Talk to me about your family and your dreams.
This is why I rarely actually open up, god this hurts so much to lay here feeling so empty. Am I not interesting enough to want to know me? To know more than my favorite color and where I am? This really hurts.
Because hangovers hurt less than heartache.
This is actually perfection!
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